Family Life

I have three siblings, two brothers and a sister. All of them are atleast 22 years old and married. My brother, Mark and his wife just left the church about a year ago. I only found out about two months ago.

Everyone else knew they had left except for me because my parents wanted to ‘protect’ me. I don’t care that they left. The church brings many people happiness and if it makes you happy great, that’s awesome. But for me it’s making me miserable hearing/seeing so many sexist and homophobic things.

When I found out that they aren’t Mormon anymore I was also glad because now I won’t be the first one to leave. Unfortunately It absolutely broke my parents hearts. I don’t know what I’m going to do I am so so sad because I don’t want to disappoint them but I also want to be free to love who I love.

Sunday thoughts

~Alyssađź’‹

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Depression

This is hard to write about. I’ve been dealing with a lot of suicidal thoughts lately and I wanted to write about it in the hopes it will bring to light how much LGBT people go through.

The deterioration of marriage and family is talked about in the church a lot. I have friends that are Mormon and they all boycotted Beauty and The Beast because of one gay character. Where I grow up gay people are brought up a lot actually, but not in a good way. I’ve heard people in one of my classes talk about how gross gays are and that they’d kill themselves if they were gay. I’ve had a substitute teacher tell a gay boy in my sophomore math class about how he  is wrong.

I already have a hard time accepting myself in fact I still don’t most of the time. I have always thought that gay marriage is okay and there’s no reason for people to think it’s bad even before I realized I likes girls. And yet I can’t accept myself. I’ve thought about killing myself a lot. I don’t want to disappoint my parents. I can’t remain in the church if I marry a woman. I don’t believe in all of the churches teachings. I like girls and if I told them that I’m worried that they would send me into therapy. If I live a fake life I will never disappoint my parents deeply but I won’t be happy. Sometimes I think that suicide might be the only answer.

Love you all

~Alyssađź’‹